“Do not mistake confidence and self-awareness for egotism.“
~ as said by character Enzo, in The Art of Racing in the Rain. (Author: Garth Stein).
I find the ‘task’ of self-awareness, and the exploration of what it is I truly AM aware of (my ‘truth’ as it were – at least in this current pocket-of-space), to be both exhausting at times, and such a burst of joy and gratitude at the ‘end.’ (For some of my loved ones though, I think my act of ‘processing’ is simply exhausting – hahahahaha!!)
Huh. Just had this ah-ha thought: Maybe the ‘exhaustion’ they experience is that they already see about me what it is I am attempting to see about myself. Whoa!! Great piece of thought!
I find, for me, when I have the self-awareness, I then act in-the-Now and move forward to potential-new-Nows with a deeper sense of confidence. Second-guessing goes bu-Bye! Plans and actions have a clarity and crispness. (Not necessarily outcomes …. for I am working diligently …ad nauseum … on releasing what the ‘final product / decision / action ‘should’ look like.) (‘Hard learned’ lesson. And also a disappointment trap when I get attached to those pre-conceived outcomes!)
I was back in the Nashville area the beginning of this Month of May. A number of timely responsibilities to do. (Got ’em done ~ yea me!!) Connecting with folks I haven’t seen in nine months; traveling highways and byways that I knew quite well. Comforting and comfortable.
While there, the Bellevue newspaper ran an edition regarding the 10th anniversary of the Nashville Flood – May 2010. A decade ago. And at times, “just yesterday,” as a point of reference in my own life …. and subsequent choices, decisions, movement and outcomes. A pivotal event that created spider-web paths in front of me. So many different choices to make ~ so many different ways I could have zigged or zagged from the choices I DID make each and every day at that time. How some moments were pinpoints of extreme emotional pain, and others were great expansive vistas of hope.
I chose to wrap the teachings of 12-step, SOM, Louise, Law of Attraction, and my spiritual foundation around me like a caftan. Each day it was “What is the one thing I need to do today.” Keep it simple sweetie. One day at a time. Just for today. All is well. I am divinely protected at all times.
Each day it was “What is one piece of gratitude I find right here and right now.” Impossible to be in other-focuses when I focus on gratitude. Sometimes there was only one thing on my Gratitude List (and yes, I wrote ’em down!) Some days there were 15 to 20 ‘things’ on the list. (And none of ’em were that sackcloth-and-ashes ‘well….at least I’ve got…..’ things. Those are such left-handed-‘compliments’ as far as I think.) Not Pollyanna. Not Martyr. Pure eyes-open in the here and now and seeing the gifts being given all around me: Simple sunshine. A neighbor’s smile and hello as they returned to their post-flooded home. A HUGE discount on cleaning supplies at Home Depot. A BLT at Subway – crispy bacon please! And more. Oh ~ sooooo much more.
Each of those moments added to my self-awareness. And my confidence. This will be okay. This IS okay. Right here and right now. I am okay.
It’s nice.
I take those tools and insights, those specific practices from a decade {and more} ago, about subsequent choices, decisions, movement and outcomes with me as I continue this journey. It, too, is nice!!